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gfrancie in the last entry, and decided it was worth making into a whole new entry. Yes, my tl;dr comes in volumes. You are so lucky. First, let me get to the breakthrough, the epiphanic moment that I had the other day about being a girl who is lame when it comes to approaching guys and dating them: Why do I have to be lame? Why, exactly, am I lame? Also, why do the guys get to have all the fun and run game? The epiphany was, essentially, Why can I not also run game?
I don't mean that in a sleazy Player's Club kind of way, but I was thinking about that pink scourge of the bookstore, He's Just Not That Into You and wondering, why does HE get to be not that into ME? What guy sits around hoping that if he wishes it hard enough, or smiles just the right way to a random stranger, or some other bizarre juju, that a girl will want to have a relationship? That is bogus. Why do the men get all the agency (sorry, lit majors) here? Why can't I start at the same level that they do, assuming that I'm hot and awesome and that I will make my moves and run my game until they realize how hot and awesome I am?
It was my Helen Keller under the water spigot moment (yes, I've had a lot of those). Oh! WATER!
Yeah, so I was like, look, I am going to go out there and start chatting up a ton of dudes and not doing the stupid girl thing where I single out one person and put all my eggs in that basket and probably have all that weirdness come out in the communicating and then get immensely crushed when it goes south because I have put all my eggs in the one basket. . .etc. No more!
So, there was that. But, as I was mentioning to
gfrancie, I've now run into the problem of ABSOLUTELY NOT KNOWING how to effectively run my game. Because I know what image I'd like to project, but I have also been told recently that I am hard to read. And because the person who told me is a total BFF who I have known over ten years and even lived with at one point, I gave that opinion a good deal of weight. So I don't WANT to be hard to read. But I'm not intentionally being hard to read, so I'm not sure exactly how much more expressive to make myself. I just emailed this guy that he was cute. Which is true, but normally something I'd never do. Normally I'd interact with a cute guy the way I'd interact with my aunt, waiting for. . .what, I don't know. Possibly, some embarrassing Romantic Comedy Moment where it all goes from 0 to 60 in a scene change! Oh, I am so ashamed of myself. Okay, that is enough self-exploration for tonight!
So. . .Cute Guy Is Cute. I tell him that. Is that too much? Not enough? OMG I don't know!! I'm totally happy to do MORE, go FURTHER, because I've had my epiphany and there is no shame in the game that I am running, but. . .I am a horrible judge of this, clearly!
And yes,
krock, I know. Aspies flatmouth. I almost deleted this post several times because of aspies law.- Music:"Fidelity," Regina Spektor
Comments
To. . .go!
Go!
Where am I going?
help
I hope this experiment works out for you and that you can become the sassy and brassy lady you want to be and then you can teach the rest of us girly girls how to do that.
This is it, in a nutshell! It used to be that I was all, "oh nooo, I couldn't let him think I LIKE him!" And now that I am actively willing to reject that idiocy, I find myself completely lacking the tools to do so. Pffft.
But I have no ideas to teach! What do you do, when you decide to be out there?
At least, that's what I've learned from watching Oprah.
For instance, I could say, "you're not going to hold back physically anymore, and you're going to sit next to him and touch his arm." Or whatever. And so I'd be comfortable doing that, but I guess--my radar for how I come across is screwed, so I would feel like I was out there in space, not sure if my message was getting through.
Whose isn't? Sigh.
Honestly, I do not know how to play this game at all. And if I ever do actually manage to get past that first wall, I trip myself up in surprise and sprint the opposite direction.
Oh, and word on the eye contact. I've started doing that too and am intensely proud of myself. But, as you say, um, THEN WHAT??
i'm not much for sitting around, hoping someone would call -- but damn, it really sucks knowing that if i want anything, i'd have to pursue. is it so wrong to want to be the object of affection?
Or, perhaps I don't like the types of guys that want to pursue a girl like me. Or the type of guys who pursue girls, period. Maybe my whole only-child control issues stretch to the area of dating, as well.
So then I started thinking about it--created "Dana's Ideal Guy" and imagined two scenarios: one where he pursues me, in similar ways that I've been pursued in the past, and one where I think I'm all hot and sexy and awesome and pursue--or, in other words, control. Connnnntrrroooolllllll. And I was sort of surprised to realize that I even felt creeped out with Imaginary Ideal Man calling out to me on the street, or writing a solicitous email. I MUCH preferred the scenario where Imaginary Me said, "I like you. Come over here."
So then I was all, "well, what you need for that to happen is to start saying 'I like you. Come over here.'"
It was a little disappointing, initially, to sort of give up on that dream of being the crush object, but the more time I've had to live with it the more comfortable it seems.
I'm not saying this IS how you should feel, it's just the weird crazy thought process that happened to me.
I think for many guys it makes them feel better and they don't feel lost and there isn't so much vague communication.
Really that whole communication thing is for situations just like these.
When everyone sets aside the pretense, it makes life soooooooooooo much more simple.
Not to mention people are more likely to get a little making out done.
Also, thank you for your helpful phrasing!